Happiness

Happiness is a funny thing isn’t it? I mean, what even is it? The more I think about this, the harder it gets to come up with a functional definition. And the more I try to define it, the more questions I find myself asking.

For example, I sometimes wonder: is happiness the same as contentment? Some days I think they might be two names for the same thing, but other times I remember periods in my life when I felt quite content, and then I realise that I grew bored and no longer felt the same. The contentment stagnated, or I outgrew it or something, and subsequently what had felt like happiness was no longer really bringing any… Well, it was no longer bringing any happiness… Which makes me wonder if contentment is just a plateau – a calm stage that occasionally visits us when we’re between more turbulent stages, where things are comfortable and secure but where that comfort and security eventually becomes a bit dull.

So, unless I’m missing the mark, perhaps we can say that contentment is the feeling that comes after a set of needs and wants have been fulfilled, and it only really persists until a new set of needs and wants arise. Or something like that.

I actually find contentment quite debilitating sometimes. I can think of countless people I’ve encountered who’ve found contentment in their lives, but who’ve forgotten (or never realised) that contentment is fleeting, so they seem to spend an awful lot of their time and energy defending their contentment by denying and refusing anything that presents the slightest threat to their little bubble of comfort and security. These are the contentments that cast family members aside, because they’re too different or difficult. These are the contentments that cause rifts in relationships when a temptation to break away from the norm reveals itself. They’re the contentments that only feel secure and comfortable as long as nothing ever intrudes on the carefully balanced status quo… And of course, the status quo generally tends not to stick around for particularly large amounts of time, which means these are the contentments that promote secrecy and duplicity and defensive behaviours and the nonfulfillment of various dreams… And I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound much like happiness to me.

So I don’t think that contentment is the same thing as happiness. Mind you, I do think that happiness can be just as fragile as contentment.
For example, for a long time my happiness has been directly linked to my bank balance. For years, I’ve felt far more relaxed and assured and collected and capable when there’s been money in my account – and, conversely, I’ve increasingly felt more fretful and ashamed and inept and uncertain whenever my balance has crept toward zero.
However, I’ve noticed that this connection has been broken lately, or at least it’s reduced to un-noticeable levels.

How do I know this? Well, it’s pretty simple: I’m completely skint and I still feel happiness. Actually I’m not just skint; it’s worse than that. I’m in debt. Yep, I owe a small fortune to Counsellor School, and I’m not really sure how I’ll pay what I owe. Thankfully I’m not under a huge amount of pressure to pay it (at the moment anyway), but this is why there’s an option to donate money at the bottom of my blog posts – there is, after all, always hope in my heart, and every penny goes towards my qualification.
Previously I would have allowed my debts to worry me beyond any reasonable measure, but these days I’m not so keen on worrying (it’s never really helped me to achieve anything), and while I gently wonder how my financial situation will end up improving, I’m still feeling happy.

See, these days I’m not really certain that happiness is an emotion. Nowadays I think it might be better described as an attitude. The reason that I think this is because even though I think of myself as a happy person, I still sometimes feel sad or angry or grumpy or whatever, but the thing is, I’m happy to feel all those things. They’re not a threat – they’re feelings that are trying to tell me something about what’s going on around me, that’s all. They tell me what’s happening in my life and they either appropriately mark occasions or they promote change, which in this context can only really be a good thing.

I suppose, in a way, this means that one major facet of depression is, unsurprisingly, a depressive attitude. When I was depressed, the paragraph above this one wouldn’t have made any sense to me; yes, I felt depressed, and in addition to that I sometimes felt sad or angry or grumpy or whatever, but the thing was, I was not happy to feel all those things. I wasn’t even happy to feel happy – it felt fraudulent and unwelcome. It didn’t fit into my attitude, which was largely an attitude that told me the world was an unhappy place.

…This is where I start to get confused, because this is where I ask myself, “What changed?”
…And the answer isn’t always the same.
…And that’s because there isn’t just one answer. Depression isn’t just about one thing – it’s about a whole bunch of things; things that creep into life unseen, and which only become noticeable when our internal scales finally tip from manageable to unmanageable.
…And as an aside, this is one of the many reasons why I’m such an advocate of counselling – when it’s done well, it presents a welcoming and safe opportunity to examine the things that tip our scales, and it helps us to come up with strategies for managing the balance. And furthermore, it can even help us to build a better set of scales, or possibly to abandon the whole analogy entirely.

But never mind that, I’m talking about happiness here, not weighing scales.
Actually no, let’s stick with the scales idea, I think it’ll be useful.

I really hate it when people (and bloody memes these days too) say things like, “Stop being so negative,” or “Blah blah the power of positivity blah.” For me, comments like these solidify my belief that there is indeed a set of scales that tips between happiness and depression, and without fail they lead me towards feeling pressured to feel less negative… And surprise surprise, that pressure makes me feel… Yes you guessed it: more negative. As a result, the scales tip ever further towards depression. Not good.

So let’s ask a question: How can we keep our scales in the Happiness Zone?
Well, I reckon this is all about resilience. The more resilient we are, the less affected we are by negative stuff – that goes without saying.
But there are ways to increase and maintain our resilience, and these are the things that don’t necessarily go without saying, so I’ll say some of them now.

I’ve written a lot in previous posts about the importance of Kindness, Love, and Respect. They’re amazing qualities and they give us a huge head start in our quests for happiness. In my experience, the kinder I am, and the more respectful and loving I am, the more the world feels like a happy place to live.
And get this: Kindness, Love, and Respect are bolstered by, and products of, other things that we can choose to be and do. Honesty is a big part of it. Integrity too. Courage and Patience play starring roles as well, as do Acceptance and Trust. Also fruit and vegetables and regular sleep and the odd bit of exercise each contribute in their own special ways.
I now see that many of these qualities were missing from my psyche when I was depressed, but they feature constantly these days – and that’s what’s tipped my scales so far into the Happiness Zone that I’ve pretty much forgotten that there is a set of scales at all.

And I don’t mean that I’m over-the-top happy now. Far from it – I can still be a grumpy bastard, and I still don’t particularly like large social scenes or having to do stuff that I don’t want to do.
But I’m… Dare I say it? Fuck it, it screams of hypocrisy but here goes: I’m content in my world – it isn’t threatening or pressurised anymore. By putting all those nice things in my scales, not only have my scales virtually disappeared, but I’ve found my confidence and my autonomy and even more nice things which contribute towards my happiness. Clever innit?

Is it? I don’t even know if this post makes sense.
What I do know though is that my happiness rating has finally separated from my credit rating, and that is worth a whole lot of everything.

So….
Ugh, I don’t like starting so many sentences with the word ‘So’. That sort of thing irritates me. But look: it’s not getting me down! I’m not taking it personally, or criticising myself over it, or stopping myself from doing it, and that’s another thing that tells me I’m feeling alright these days. It’s these little things that provide markers along the road to feeling happy. If there even is a road.

Anyway, I think that’s enough for today – I’m not sure what my point is in this post, or if I’ve made if effectively, or if you’ve enjoyed reading it, but I sure hope you have, and I hope there’s something in it for you, whoever you are. And I wish you all the very best in your own quest for happiness – maybe I’ll see you somewhere along the road, if there is a road, some time, and maybe, if we can find our scales, we can compare notes.

For now though, I’m off to count my pennies so I can buy some fruit.